I have anxiety because I fully understand that the future is coming. And there’s no way around, over, or under that. The future is coming.
I could ignore it (if I had that capability – and I sincerely wish I did). And it would come anyway. The future is crazy like that. Totally predictable.
The future is like a very long train with a very large, powerful locomotive in the front. See it? No? Just ignore it. Stand right here on the track and enjoy your ignorance. Ahhh. Feels so nice and relaxing.
Hear that rumble? Just ignore that. Feel that vibration through your feet? No problem. Nothing happening here. Just continue being blissfully unaware.
Oh! Was that a train warning wail? Nope. Can’t be. It’s OK. Don’t worry about it.
Oh my god! What happened? Why are you being turned into pulp under a train, cut in half, and not even recognizable as a human? What is going on?
The future. It came rolling. Heavy. And inevitable.
As I sit here not working I should be having the time of my life, intensely thankful that I don’t have to go to work and work at a job where I feel totally incompetent. In fact, I was lectured by another Assistant Supervisor on November 21st of last year, who apparently thought I worked for her when she flat-out told me, multiple times, at the top of her voice – that I didn’t know how to do my job. My responsibilities were between MY Assistant Supervisor, my machine technician, and me.
Well I thought so, anyway. Apparently not.
If I had hired a nurse to care for mother after she fell and suffered a concussion (the diagnosis of our local hospital, not me), I would have paid every penny I made to her (or mother would have). So exactly how would we have come out ahead?
See, I have some savings that I’m living on these days. Mother has some savings and she has a pension and Social Security. When she passes, I’m going to have to make some hard decisions. Can I get a job while in my 60’s? I’m counting on it – because I cannot work right now and take care of mother (taking her to the doctor, getting her meds, taking her to the grocery store, doing all the yard work), and, gosh, take care of myself.
But you know that big heavy train locomotive? I’m not stupid. It’s coming. And it has my name right on the front. And it’s moving along at a good clip. And it ain’t going to stop for me.
Tears and Catharsis 