When Do You Quit?

Is there a human anywhere who does not have goals; does not have any plans; is not working toward something (even happiness)? Are humans capable of not working toward anything?

Even people who are committing crimes and being caught are actively working toward some goal. I can’t imagine what that would be. But even if someone is determined to contradict the system of work and reward that we have accepted into our lives and followed, they are still working toward something.

I have found that life is much like gambling at a casino. No one gambles unless they have a reasonable belief of winning. So you put in your money, great amounts or small amounts – and you take your chances on winning.

When I started out in life, I decided that getting a job was in my best interest because my parents were not interested in supporting me. My father sent a check for $100 a month until I was eighteen years old. (He couldn’t keep up with my birthdate except for ceasing to pay child support). So I got a part-time job at seventeen in fast food.

Was that not a good decision? I worked my way through undergraduate school in Engineering Technology in various jobs in order to get my degree. Was that not a reasonable decision with a reasonable conclusion?

I can honestly say that for the forty-five years I have decided to work or not to work; to pursue education or go to work in my chosen field, I have not been able to advance. And I cannot figure out why that is.

When I went to a local counselor a couple of summers ago to investigate why I was so miserable, the first thing she asked me was why I was working at a factory. So even she recognized that my life was unbalanced and not working for me.

I took the job at the local factory sincerely believing that my education and experience would work for me and help me advance there. I was wrong. It worked against me. Ultimately, I was told by the manager of my department, who had the same degree I had, except not from an accredited college, that is was not considered an “engineering” degree.

I worked there seven years, which I considered long enough to advance into a higher position. But I never got the chance. They actively call members of management “engineers” even with high school degrees. That title has been bestowed on many (men) there.

So was getting either of my degrees a mistake? They were expensive. I made personal sacrifices to get them. I graduated with my Master’s with a 4.0 GPA (which counts for nothing with a Master’s degree).

So, back to the casino. Is it “reasonable” to continue to put money into a machine and “hope” that it will pay out? How long should a person sit and play the machine? Days? Years? Decades? At what point does a person decide that continuing to pay the machine is futile and that they are losing?

So it is with me. I’ve considered returning to the local college to study whatever I need to in order to be viable for employment. Is it worth it? Should I find a job with a large local corporation and “stick it out”, hoping that someone somewhere in the company will notice me and believe that I have a contribution to make? Do I continue to gamble? Is that “reasonable”?

My mother and father both had successful careers, despite both of them being, in a phrase, “train wrecks”. They started with careers and stuck with them no matter what, I suppose. Mother had several promotions during her time with the telephone company and moved into management, despite having a high school diploma.

So am I simply not intelligent enough to move up and make a satisfactory salary? Maybe I should simply give up on ever accomplishing anything and let the wind blow me where it may.

I don’t believe in anything that will aid a person supernaturally in their success. I believed in that for way too long. I don’t believe in coincidence. I don’t believe that “what should be will be”. I don’t believe in any magical force that will light the way at the end of the dark tunnel to assure that I will end up “where I’m supposed to be”.

I don’t believe that hard work leads to reward. I don’t believe that dedication is worth anything. Hard work is only rewarded if you are noticed and trusted by someone who can interview you, hire you, and promote you.

There is no magic – neither in the casino nor in life. So IF that is true, then why plan and work toward anything? Why believe in yourself? Why work to improve your abilities? Why try to “sell” your abilities for your career or any other good (for short term or long term goals)?

It’s all chance. It’s all a gamble. It’s honestly all chance with no guarantees nor reasonable results. Perhaps I should simply move to the city up north where I wish to live and just let things go as they will. Maybe if things work out, I would have some little clue about how life works. Maybe I would be able to have a scintilla of faith in the future.

Oops. I’m doing it again.