I’m very thankful for many things: I’m not an alcoholic. I’m not on drugs. I don’t smoke pot. I am not addicted to sex or anything else deleterious. I’m not in jail (I have no felony convictions). *
I pay my bills, I take care of my pets. My car is insured. I’m where I’m supposed to be when I’m supposed to be there.
These all seem like the simplest of accomplishments. I feel greatly for the people who suffer from the above maladies, who through abuse or lack of coping skills or trauma or whatever reason, simply cannot live in our troubled society without serious problems. I could oh, so easily be there.
But to say I’ve been successful in my life is not true. I can’t get my life together enough to “come out ahead”. Whatever that element of personality is that gives people motivation or staying-power, I do not possess it. I don’t even know what it is.
My personality is not good. I have a quick temper and tend to actually articulate what I’m thinking. In so doing, I’ve been complemented many times for speaking what others are thinking but cannot say out loud – for whatever reason (probably common sense).
I’m not patient with people (some more than others). My best friend at my last job had trouble “keeping up” when what we were talking about moved too quickly for her and I would have to back-track and explain to her what we were talking about and what I meant by my sarcastic comments. She did not pique my temper, though, because I understood why things were that way.
There are times when I think whoever I’m talking to is simply not trying to understand or is trying to purposely obfuscate things. That trips my impatience, although I try not to go further than rolling eyes and sighing heavily.
I do, however, get to the point where I’m loud and complaining. I did that in my last job when I was severely frustrated daily about my plight there. I had a lot of help from friends to keep from simply walking out the door and never coming back. I had caretakers. And I did some caretaking for others, also, in their time of distress or frustration.
But all of this makes me a poor, poor employee. And my conclusion of this now has made me fear trying again. I know me. I know how unhappy I’ve been in most of my employment situations. And I know how hard that makes things, including keeping my behavior and attitude in a reasonably good place, especially when I feel that trying to be happy and compliant makes no difference whatsoever.
Believing that doing the right and proper thing, being fair and honest with people, working hard and going “the extra mile” will in no way help me either make my employers happy or lead to anyone making note of me being a “good employee” does not lead to me making any type of effort at all to perpetuate that behavior.
In fact, it does the opposite. Perhaps I’m not even good at assessing my own behavior. Maybe I can’t differentiate between what is “good”, what is “acceptable”, or what is “unacceptable”.
I have never had problems with my performance as a volunteer with any agency. Is it that “I” am acceptable as a volunteer but “I” am unacceptable for a paying position anywhere? I’m not sure I understand the difference.
But there is a difference.
It’s too late now. The only option I have is to attempt to be honestly and radically introspective. But after this much trouble and failure, I doubt that I’m going to have any “revelations”. And even if I did, it’s way too late to work for months to learn a new way so I can try again.
*Nor am I locked up in a psychiatric hospital but you’ll have to trust me on that.
Tears and Catharsis 