I went over to mother’s to do my dreaded daily visit and she met me in the middle of the floor, hands in her customary “drama-Von- Trapp-singing-fashion” and with her faced all scrooched up and whining. So I put her hands down and said “OK, cut the drama and tell me the news.”
She told me that our family friend, DKP, who had suffered from another bout of cancer (this time liver cancer) had died the day before. I was instantly unhappy that she had not told me when she found out the news.
I frequently ask about this family. Mother knows that I like them and am concerned about them. I picked up her cell and found out that they had called her at 1145 this Saturday (06.12.21) morning. She was waiting for me to come over so she could have her drama moment – or she wasn’t going to tell me at all.
There’s no telling what all mother has told these people about me at this point. She’s too stupid to remember what she has said and she’s too stupid to realize that they can tell me what she tells them. But she knows if she can fool me into not taking her to the funeral, it will make me look bad, which is exactly what she wants.
I asked when the funeral would be. She had no idea. So I got on Facebook and found out the details. There would be a graveside at 1400 hours and a memorial at 1530 at D’s church. The daily temps were in the 90’s and I wasn’t willing to go to the graveside.
So I asked mother if she wanted to go. She stopped, looked troubled, and said she thought she probably wouldn’t go. My immediate reaction, which I verbalized was “After all they’ve done for you?” Of course, this was met with the customary victim behavior. “Oh, please stop hacking at me!.” I told her “First of all, grow up. Second of all, I’m going whether you go or not.”
She decided that she would go.
I closed my door the next day at 1445 in order to get her and get to the venue on time, not knowing how crowded it might be. She walked out her door, down the steps, stepped up into the garage, and into the car. She does not have the mobility of someone my age but she certainly doesn’t have trouble with mobility.
When we got to the church, suddenly she lost her mobility. I had to help her get across the parking lot and into the door. She held onto me tightly as we crossed the room to speak to the family. She had miraculously aged 20 years and was wobbling around.
We greeted the grieving family and made our way to our seats in the back. Mother could barely make it. She was unstable and needed help getting the five rows back to our seats. As she turned around to sit, she was wavering and unsteady – like she could fall any direction at any minute.
We got through the service and it was time to leave. I had to physically help her get up from her chair and help her walk across the carpet in an air conditioned building to the front door, out, and across the parking lot.
When we got back home, she miraculously became “healthy” again, got out of the car, across the garage floor, out of the raised threshold, up the porch steps, and into her back door. No problem at all.
I’ve been had – once again – by my mother. As usual, I’m backtracking in my memory to question everything I’ve seen and experienced in order to guess what is true and what is not true. I did see the results of her first fall – the bruising and vomiting.
But of course, I know, as well as the Nurse Practitioner at the doctor’s office, that she did not fall the second time. She did not injure herself on top of her foot. And it did not happen the way she said – if anything happened at all. The second fall was during her episode with shingles and during that mayhem, we found out she had a UTI, which pushed her over the edge into a state even crazier than her usual one.
I came home and began to seriously look at sites on You Tube that offer help and counseling for people with parents who are narcissists. I already belong to a help group on Reddit for ‘/Raised by Narcissists’. I already know what I’m dealing with. I’ve known since I moved here ten years ago.
But now, as I began to watch the videos and listen to the news and advice, my anxiety began to rise. Because they told me a fundamental truth that I know and have been ignoring for years now.
I need to get away from her. There is no healing from a narcissist apart from getting away from them. You simply can’t be exposed to their deadly craziness, being triggered over and over, and not expect to be seriously injured. No one can heal this way.
I am getting rid of possessions as fast as I can so I can travel lightly. The less I have, the better off I will be. Because I am desperate to leave. I know I have to leave.
So now, I’m looking for a job. I’m looking to move. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I have absolutely no help whatsoever. I only know one thing. I can’t take it anymore.
Tears and Catharsis 